One of the attractions of hot yoga has been that it exhausts my waking mind so much that portions of my ...
well, I guess less conscious mind?
comes out to play.
So, I'm lying in savasana (ironically, corpse pose) where you lay on your back, arms at your side, palms up, heels touching, toes relaxed.
Between drowning in the humidity and heat, between the pain from moving through the poses, and the always present pain of the ripping loss of my heart....
I was so hot I lifted my tank top up, baring my belly. I don't do this. I don't like showing myself in the yoga class. No matter how hot, I don't do this.
I said to M, if you're really here, touch my belly.
M loved my belly. He would lay his head on it, we would talk about what it would have been like if we had children together. He would lay his hand on belly, trailing his fingers across it...
So, i felt the touch. I felt his fingers trailing across my belly, like he used to.
It ain't much, but it's all I have now.
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Monday, January 26, 2009
Hot Yoga
still sucked. no, really. it sucked. I had a hard time doing the poses, had to stop and sit out some. I swear this was the hottest class EVER. I saw the thermostat, it was over 115 degrees farenheight(sp?) in there.
still, got through it.
just before I was talking to someone who I had spoken to before I stopped going (about 2 months ago). Honestly, though, my sister is the talkative one, but she recognized me.
She asked what got me into bikram, and I sort of talked a bit about M. I said that I started going last summer while my partner was very ill, and that it was just hard to go home.
I hadn't said that to anyone. I know that I went as a way to work through issues, once a week, in an environment that tested me. I know that it was cathartic.
But never that it was a way to avoid coming home.
While in savasana I thought about this. I thought about whether I had been trying to escape the reality that was my life. I was hit by feelings of guilt, that I had left him alone to go to something relatively frivolous and decidedly selfish. It was all for me, only for me.
For a moment, I was hit by a wave of guilt. Slammed, really.
And I felt M, right there with me, holding my hand. He reminded me that he wanted me to go to yoga, that he felt better when I was more relaxed and that it helped us both.
So what if I was hallucinating from the heat?
It was comforting.
still, got through it.
just before I was talking to someone who I had spoken to before I stopped going (about 2 months ago). Honestly, though, my sister is the talkative one, but she recognized me.
She asked what got me into bikram, and I sort of talked a bit about M. I said that I started going last summer while my partner was very ill, and that it was just hard to go home.
I hadn't said that to anyone. I know that I went as a way to work through issues, once a week, in an environment that tested me. I know that it was cathartic.
But never that it was a way to avoid coming home.
While in savasana I thought about this. I thought about whether I had been trying to escape the reality that was my life. I was hit by feelings of guilt, that I had left him alone to go to something relatively frivolous and decidedly selfish. It was all for me, only for me.
For a moment, I was hit by a wave of guilt. Slammed, really.
And I felt M, right there with me, holding my hand. He reminded me that he wanted me to go to yoga, that he felt better when I was more relaxed and that it helped us both.
So what if I was hallucinating from the heat?
It was comforting.
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